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08/25/2024: Being Overweight is Annoying

(Warning: This blog mentions of self-ableism, family deaths and just me ranting how on my struggles to lose weight. Please take care before reading on.)

Today marks the 10th year anniversary since I started university. It was the first time that I’m far away from my home, my family, my room! I get to taste the freedom that any young adult has when they move out on their own. It was both the best and the scariest thing that I ever did in my life! Especially when I’m autistic and I know that not all autistic can live on their own without needing help or assailants from others.

But I know that when I first moved in my dorm, I thought I wouldn’t like it as I’m rooming with a bunch of strangers and my family is faraway in Germany. This means they can’t visit me during Homecoming and Family Week that my university holds each year, which sucks. I was worried that I might get homesick like that time I was forced to stay at my maternal grandparents for a weekend sleepover when I was 12 years old. Then I worried that I might not like university that much compared to high school, as the former is bigger than the latter! That last part was thanks to having autism and anxiety as this was a big change for me.

Thankfully, I survived my first year in university by staying focused in class. I managed to make friends in both my classes and in the tabletop club that I joined. Of course, I dealt with some few missteps on my part thanks to my autism, along with stress, essays, exams and finals, just like every normal university student. Overall, I enjoyed my time university and I sometimes wish to go back to that era as things were simple and the current events was less polarizing compared to now.

But the one thing that I don’t like from that era that I gained weight: 20 POUNDS OF IT!!!!

So, you heard of the “Freshmen 15”, where there’s a chance you gained 15 pounds in your first year of university thanks to having access to the food court and the all you can eat cafeterias? Yeah, that was me as I remembered it got me real hard! I liked eating at the food court and have free refills at the cafeterias. Yes, I ate the healthy food there but as a university student, you need something fatting and sugary to keep you awake when you study for your exams and write your essays that’s half of your semester grade! I can’t recall how many Cherry Cokes I would drink when I was in university! Dittos with the mini pizzas I would eat every Friday night when I attended the tabletop club on the 3rd floor of the Student Union at my first university!

I knew I was in trouble when I was visiting my new home in southern Texas (my family PCS from Germany in late 2014) during winter break when my mom made some comment on my appearance, “You gained too much weight and you need to lose some of it!!!”

Like, rude!

Look, I love my mom, but sometimes she can be a little harsh when she point things out. Which happen, a lot and I hate her for that!

Now you’re wondering why I’m making a big deal about it as my mom has a point, I gained too much weight from university. You see I’m overweight and have been overweight since I was 6 years old. I blame my older half-sister for moving in with her newborn daughter when she needed a place to stay in order to get her high school degree. She was the one who introduce me to junk food; one of them was Rold Gold Pretzels, which became my favorite food to snack on.

Prior to that, I was at a normal weight for a preschooler. Yeah, my late daddy used to give me McDonalds every Mondays and every Friday night my family used to do pizza take out. Yes, I do eat vegetables and any healthy food that my parents made. I even eat the food that my school served! It just I rather have more than one serving of it. After my sister moved in, I started gaining weight. Despite that, I was hyper and full of energy who likes to dance and go running outside when the weather permits it. So I didn’t feel like I was overweight and neither did my parents (at the time that is…).

But by the time my daddy died in 2007, that energy I had as a child was gone. I rather stay indoors and watch TV than go outside. Around the same time, I realized that I’m clumsy thanks to my autism and that it’s the reason why I could never ride a bike or a scooter without falling off. Same thing with sports as I rather watch them instead playing in them because of my clumsiness. I figure, it’s not worth it anyways and rather not get hurt.

Then I start hating P.E. as I rather do nothing than doing whatever is going on in class. But I don’t want a bad grade either, so I have to suck it up. It didn’t help in the 9th grade where I was in the same P.E. class with “The Nerd” (an autistic girl that I mention in one of my blogs that nearly nobody in our grade likes for being annoying and weird) and I usually dreaded that class because she was there and that there was a chance that I might have to be on the same team with her! So more reasons to hate that class!

At the same time I was dreading P.E. class in high school, I fell in love with some of the German food that was there. I remember liking the soft pretzels that were 29 cents apiece, eating the Flammkuchen whenever my family visits any German festivals and the many sausages that Germany is known for. I think that was when I gained more weight because of that and I think it was around that time my mom noticed this and even told me about.

Of course, I did try to do something about that at the time by exercising, but I end up failing and gave up after a day or so. I blame executive dysfunction for this as one minute I want to do stuff. Then the next, I don’t want to do it. Instead, I rather do other things I like other than something I don’t like, such as exercising. Even when I was in university, I thought about exercising by going to the gym since it’s free for university students…then I didn’t thanks to my executive dysfunction.

To this day, I still don’t like to exercise. Yeah, I don’t have to play sports or do anything extreme in order to stay fit. The safest thing I can do to exercise is walking. I remember doing this when I was living in Germany for the second time in 2019 and I actually LOST WEIGHT for once, which made me happy!

Then Covid hit a year later and I end up regaining all the weight BACK because I started overeat due to stress and the fear of going outside thanks to the virus. I was scared that I was going to get Covid and give to my mom, which could kill her because she has health problems. I didn’t want the guilt to haunt me for the rest of my life!

Then I moved back to the States in 2022 and now I can’t walk outside as much I used to because there is nothing where I live and in Southern Texas, the summer get hot real fast where by 1pm, its 100 degrees! But even if the weather cools down during winter, I still won’t spend time outside thanks to my terrible sleep schedule where I’ll stay up all night and then sleep for most of the day. When I do get up, then the sun will already set for the day!

As for the food at home, they tend be mostly healthy because my mom and older sister started having health problems where they can’t eat anything with gluten, dairy and red meat (for my older sister) without them getting sick. So we have to eat differently now, which is helping me lose weight. But I end up having large servings of whatever my family cooks, which means I gain little or no pounds, which is the exact opposite of what I want! But at least the good thing about moving back home again is that I end up losing all the weight I gained from Covid! But now I weight as much as I did in high school, which is frustrating!

It’s annoying I tell you. I’m mad that I’m not losing weight as much as I can. Like, it’ll be nice to have a normal, healthy weight for once. But the problem is that I struggle to do so because of my executive dysfunction won’t let me stick with a schedule and my autism as I sometimes crave for soda and beige food (which autistic people tend to like) and not the healthy food that is lying around my house!

Then there’s another reason why I have to stay healthy: it’s because of my family history. On my daddy’s side of the family, several members of his side died of heart attacks thanks to having heart issues that ties them to being overweight. It’s was one of the reasons why my daddy died in his early 50s’, as I remember mom telling me that he used to drink Mountain Dew and a dozen of donuts for breakfast every day at his job! Then on my mom’s side of the family, some members on her side have diabetes (which includes my mom as of right now) and it was one of the reasons why my maternal grandmother died in 2013.

Now put 2 and 2 together and I’m going to end up with diabetes and die of a heart attack before I turn 50 because of my weight! So there’s a good motivation for me to lose weight! But I don’t feel like it for some reason.

Like yeah, I’m still overweight, but I’m not obese to the point my life is in danger because of my weight. Like, I’m healthy and don’t have any life threatening conditions (besides being autistic), that could kill me at a notice. It sucks that I’m not losing weight as much as I wanted to be, but at least I’m trying. I want to make it over 50 and not have to worry about having diabetes, heart issues or any health issues because of my weight. Maybe one day, I might get motived to actually do something about my weight.

But until then, I’ll try my best by eating in smaller portions, be careful what I eat, drink and try to walk around the neighborhood if the weather (and my executive dysfunction) allows it. At least I’m trying to do something good in my life for once.