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10/30/2023: Halloween Eve and a Memorial

(Warning: This blog is a very long one that mentions death, arguments, the Southern Confederacy, the 2016 Election and Donald Trump. Please take care before reading on.)

Ah, today is Halloween Eve. It’s the day before one of the Millennials’ and Gen Z’s favorite holiday, Halloween. While I’m neutral over Halloween as I like the fall aesthetics that came with the holiday and enjoyed trick or treating growing up, I don’t like the spookiness and horror that comes with it as I’m a scary cat and panic anytime I watch anything horror related. Like, I’m fine with The Nightmare Before Christmas, but actual horror movies such as Slasher and Friday the 13th? Nope, I’ll get actual nightmares over that! While people are using this day to prep for tomorrow night, it’s a bitter day for me. Why? It’s the anniversary since my father’s death.

Growing up, I had a close relationship with my father (or daddy I like to call him). I would love it whenever he gets me McDonalds or Wendy’s. I would dance to one of his classic rock CDs that he played on the stereo. I always watched various sport games with him on TV, as he’s a huge sports fan. He was supportive of me when I was diagnose with autism when I was 3 years old and would go to the IEP (Individualized Education Program) meetings with my mom at my elementary school to see what accommodations I need for next year. I was basically daddy’s little girl. However the night of Halloween Eve in 2007, everything was flipped upside down and it was the day my childhood died.

I remembered that day too well as it was a Tuesday morning. My mom and oldest niece already left the house. I was eating breakfast as I was watching TV before heading out to the bus stop since it’s only a 3 minute walk from my house. After I was done with my food, I headed downstairs in the basement where my daddy slept at (long story) since I noticed that his truck was parked on the driveway, which means he didn’t went to work. I made it to the basement and he was sleeping on the couch, facing away from me.

I nudge at him to wake up so I can say goodbye to him before leaving the house. But for some reason, he didn’t wake up. So I tried again and no respond. I continued to do this for a few minutes before I “yelled” at him for being a terrible dad for not waking up and saying goodbye to me before rushing back upstairs as it was 5 minutes before the bus was supposed to show up! Little I know that the reason why daddy didn’t respond was because he died in his sleep, which 12 year old me didn’t know at the time….

At school, I remembered feeling a little guilty yelling at him as we had a close bond and hoped that he won’t get mad at me for yelling at him. This haunts me for the rest of the day before I came home from school. There, his green truck was still parked, which means he was still home. Even though I feel bad about yelling at him, I was brave to go downstairs to see if he was still awake. At that point, everything was dark as the TV that he kept on when sleeping was turned off. I thought to myself that he must’ve got up and turned it off himself, which in reality, it wasn’t. It’s because the power went off earlier that day. Noticing that he’s still “asleep”, I decided to leave him alone before I went back upstairs to do my homework.

Around 4-ish, my mom returned home from work early and at that point, I was done with my homework for the day. So, I spend some time with her until close to 5pm, where she would head to the daycare in town to pick up my niece. Before she left, I told her that daddy has been asleep all day and didn’t hear me when I left for school or came back home. Mom found that suspicious, so she went downstairs to check on him. Then she headed back upstairs, went to our next door neighbor’s house and came back with one of them. They headed to the basement and that’s when I knew something went wrong. When they returned upstairs, mom told me that daddy passed away and that I’ll be staying at our neighbor’s house for a bit.

That’s when I started to cry as prior to that, no one in my family (as I know of) died, so this was painful to hear. Adding autism to the mix, his death was devastating as this was a big change that I don’t like! I ended up spending the next few hours at the neighbor’s house as I remember seeing her tell her two children (an elementary schooler and a preschooler) that their next door neighbor has passed away and that me and my niece will be staying with them for a bit. My mom had to call my neighbor’s husband to pick up my niece from the daycare since she’s busy talking with the officials on what happened. I don’t remember too much on this expect for one part where I remembered the oldest child was calm about my daddy’s death and comforted me and my niece as they were friends.

A few hours later, we have to go to another neighbor’s house for some reason as her son and my niece were also friends. I remember the other neighbor tried to comfort me by eating dinner that she made and watching TV. I know that I was supposed to go to an optional Girl’s Scout meeting as we were making bracelets for a badge on that day. That didn’t happen. Eventually, me and my niece was allowed to return home as the cops and the mortician, who took daddy’s body, left our house.

We stayed home for the rest of the week. It was weird, I'm not going to lie. It was weird that I wasn’t in school since I don’t normally take days off. Weird that the person who know you since the day you were born, is now gone. Weird that thing is going to be different since I crave normalcy and a death in the family isn’t one of them. Weird that things that daddy used to do, we can’t do anymore because he’s not around anymore. Weird that something like that can change your life overnight and you can’t do anything about it. It sucked and I didn’t like it at all.

Despite that, my mom tried to make things normal as much as she can as she allowed me and my niece to go trick or treating with my maternal grandfather, where we went door to door. It was weird since normally mom and daddy would switch each year on who will take us trick or treating and this year was mom’s turn to take us trick or treating. It didn’t feel right with me for some reason. I think it was because of that, it was the last time I went trick or treating since I was near the age where everyone would pick on someone who still does.

The next few days, more changes happened around the house, which I didn’t like. Like the time mom had our other next door neighbors go down to the basement and toss out most of the furniture since they were old and beaten (which include the couch that daddy died in). I was mad that mom would dare to do that since I remember daddy was known to not liking to throw things out. Once again, my autism doesn’t like big changes I don’t approve of!

Then mom sent me to my older cousins’ house for the weekend to get away from the environment. It was one the better moments that I had on that week. I think we went to the festival or something, played video games a bit and this was where my cousin gifted me Animal Crossing: Wild World for the DS, which not only helped me cope with daddy’s death a little better, but it also got me into the series too…even though I stopped playing the game after 8 months when I finished paying off my mortgage in the game!

Then on Sunday was his funeral. For some reason, I didn’t go, but I don’t know why. I think I was either given an option to go (and which I said no as I was not emotional enough) or mom won’t let me go because she fear that I might have a meltdown from being surrounded with unfamiliar people who attended his funeral. Because of it, me and my niece stayed with our neighbors’ with some of the neighbors’ kids since their parents were at daddy’s funeral. I remember playing Animal Crossing on the DS that day until the adults got home from the funeral.

The reception took place at my house, which was the only time in my life was the house the crowded with people. People like some of the neighbors in our neighborhood that I don’t see too often. Mainly because some have no kids, but I remembered that they were nice to me when I walked up to them. My former para-teacher that was in every class I had back in elementary school was there too. It was nice to see her again after waving goodbye to me when I finished the 5th grade, a few months back. Sadly, it was the last time I have ever seen her and I don’t know what happened to her, but I missed her since she was nice and patient with me.

Then Monday came and I have to go back to school. I remember two girls in my class walked up to me and console me since they heard what happened to my dad. We live in a suburb outside of the city with a population of 4,000 at the time, so word spread pretty fast (or our homeroom teacher told the class). I also remember that they gave me either cell phone number to text, in case I want to talk to them. I never did as I blamed my shyness and anxiety for not being comfortable for talking to others.

For the rest of the week, I think I cried a few times over missing daddy’s death and that thing are the same anymore. But afterword, I got over it real quick and became strong in the progress. I had to at that point. After all, how will I go on with my life? Even if I was the last person who saw him alive the night before he died! I remember the evening before he died as I saw him and his friends watched the World Series playoffs on the small TV in the garage and that as he was blasting classic rock CDs on the stereo in the basement before saying goodnight to him as I headed upstairs. That stills haunts from time to time.

But I did move on. It was because of his death, I learned how to do the laundry, cook and take out the trash since he would normally do that. I started to be responsible for my chores since daddy would do that. I feel like if it wasn’t for his death, I would’ve been spoiled to the point that I won’t make it through the first year of university!

Even if I missed my daddy, sometimes….it was actually the best thing that happened! I know, I know, I mentioned that I was daddy’s little girl and now I’m saying it was the best thing to happen. But …why? I know that he and mom would get into arguments over money, which I could hear from the basement. Mom would accuse him of being a cheapskate as he would get mad whenever she tries to buy anything expensive.

Like one year, we have an ice storm that took out the power for a few days. To prevent something like that from happening again, mom wanted to buy a generator so we would have backup power. Daddy said no as it would cost too much money and such. And that he believes something like that won’t happen again even though mom argued that it would.

Then there is the fact that daddy didn’t want to toss out any furniture that is old and beaten up. Such as the barstools in the kitchen, where there’s the tear in the center from being used. What does daddy do? He put duck tape on it and calls it day! Mom never liked that as she rather toss it out and get a replacement instead.

I also know that they don’t agree with some of their lifestyle such as daddy, who likes to go camping. In the wildness. Sleeping in a tent. With the risks of bad weather and bears showing up. Mom said that she rather rent a cabin instead, which daddy thinks that it’ll ruin the experience of enjoying nature. Because of that, he would sometimes go on camping trips with him and his friends for a few weeks, while my family stayed home.

The last thing about daddy is that he hates moving. My mom works in the military as a civilian contractor and sometimes in order to get a promotion, you have to move. Daddy didn’t want to move since it cost money and hates getting on airplanes. It also means giving up the house that they paid for when the neighborhood didn’t exist yet! He thought that I would grow up here since they wanted to give me a better life after having some bad experience living in the city. I feel like if he haven’t died, then we’ll never moved to Germany, with my family did almost 2 years later.

I think that if he didn’t die, my parents would get a divorce because of the finances and differences and to me, it would’ve been worst! As having two parents who don’t love each other sucked. That they’ll have to fight custody for me and my niece, where mom was likely to win the case and that I might have to spend the weekends at daddy’s new home. This might be too much for me as I think this wasn’t how family works and this will mess up my autism over having him call me and that we can’t stay over his place on a last minute notice.

Another reason I’m thankful that daddy’s dead is that I think he was secretly racist. I believe that is because when he was still alive, he used to hang the Confederate flag, over the fridge in the garage. Back then, I didn’t what the flag was and why it was bad. After his death, mom immediately threw the flag out it which made me wondered why she would do that. It wasn’t until years later when I found out what the flag is. That’s when I got mad and wondered why daddy, who married a black (light-skinned) woman, who lived in Ohio (that fought in the Union), was originally from Pennsylvania (who also fought in the Union) and is a son of Italian immigrants, have the flag that represent hate and cruelty against my race!

Another thing is that if he was still alive, daddy would HAPPILY voted for Donald Trump as I remember him being a Republican and that he voted for George W. Bush back in 2004! I think he would agree what Trump would say, which will make me and my mom mad. I feel like if they weren’t divorce then, then this would be a good reason to do it. I think I’ll probably never forgive him for voting the racist man as our president as I voted for Hilary Clinton in 2016. Then I wondered how he would react when Trump lost the 2020 Election and if he those who believe the election was stolen.

Then just a month ago, me and mom was in the kitchen, talking about renewing me in her health insurance when she told me that when I was first diagnose, daddy wanted to put me in a test clinic at the city children hospital to have me take pills, which would "cure" autism. I was shocked to hear that as mom told me that she told him that they won’t do that as she fears what would happened to me if things goes wrong and that I might’ve become depended on drugs! This made me sad as I thought he would support me, no matter what. And before you go after him, this was the late 90s’ as autism awareness was slowly getting around and people realized that it’s not just white boys, who can be autistic.

As I look back to today, it’s been 16 years since he’s gone. I sometimes missed him and how simple things were back then. I wondered how he would react when I graduated from high school, got my Bachelor’s Degree, etc. At the same time, I’m somewhat thankful he’s not here. That if it wasn’t him, I would never move to Germany and explored 11 countries. See that things got worst politically to the point we don’t talk to our former neighbors from my childhood anymore because they’re now Trump supporters. That global warming is making summer hotter, winter colder and that the local government isn’t listening to us.

Then I wondered what’s going to happen to me when mom eventually dies. Thankfully, mom told me she has things planned for me in case she does go, which will make things smoother. Especially now since I’m an adult, is more knowledgeable and have seen things. I think mom’s right and I think I’ll handle her death better than when daddy died.